The parents understand this, however, the worst thing you can do is avoid making contact or avoid talking about their baby. Parents may initially say they need space to deal with not only their grief, but also the physical impact birth has on the mother’s body. Also, practical decisions and arrangements have to be made through this emotional time. Whilst parents may seek space initially, continue to reach out to them, if they do not reply straightaway, do not take it personally. There will come a point when they will reach out to you. Parents are often simply comforted just knowing that you are thinking of them. What you say and do at the time will make a big difference to the parents.
Avoid saying it is “probably for the best” or “it is your body’s way of saying the baby was not going to survive”. One phrase I often hear is “1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss; you were simply unlucky”. These phrases are not helpful and is often distressing for the parents to hear; their baby is not a statistic but their child. Even if their baby was unlikely to survive, do not point this out to parents as it can make the mother feel unbearable guilt for not being able to care for her baby she was carrying; and can make the father feel inadequate as he was not able to do anything to protect his baby and the mother from the physical and emotional distress of losing their baby.
Similarly, do not avoid parents. Parents often experience people crossing the road, turning, or avoiding making eye contact simply to avoid speaking to them. I often think to myself it is as if they are afraid they may “catch” losing a baby from me. This small act can have a huge impact on a parent and can make them feel isolated and lonely. Again, approach them and be honest; say, “I have heard your sad news, I don’t really know what to say”.
One reason parents isolate themselves is because they cannot take on another person’s grief. After hearing the news, try not to offload your grief onto the parents. If you find it hard not to, then be honest with the parents; do not ignore or avoid them simply because you find it hard to process.
Some people assume that a loss during pregnancy is not as devastating as the loss of a baby at, or after birth. Similarly, do not assume that a loss through miscarriage is any less devastating than a still birth. The grief of the parents is overwhelming regardless of when the loss occurs. This grief can go on for weeks, months or even years, and it is not unusual to hear parents say that they will never feel like their old selves again.
Personally, the most important point was the acknowledgement and recognition that we were parents despite our loss. Many parents may still have to go through the trauma of a labour and some parents will be able to hold their baby after birth. Their baby is a real, physical and unique little person. However, parents will then have the difficult tasks of making decisions, starting with when and how to say goodbye to their baby, and thereafter making decisions which range from whether to have a post mortem to making funeral arrangements.
Overtime, parents will find a new kind of normality which will enable them to cope with day to day life; but you may have to accept they may not be the same. Each day we wake up with the reality that we have lost a baby. It is like facing this big ugly concrete wall whereby there is no way around, over or through it. Some days, when we are low, we simply stare at it and the ugly reality of it is more prominent and raw, however there are days where we can decorate it to make it less visible; these are our good days, however, we recognise it will always be there.
Time and life does go on, however these parents will continue to experience grief. The death of a baby regardless of the stage is devastating and a life changing experience. The memory of a child lost will never leave them; but nor would they want it to.
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